The Xmas Poem

•                              THE XMAS POEM

• 'Twas the night before Xmas, and all through the flat,
• Not a creature was stirring, not even a rat.
• The children were strapped down all snug in their cots,
• The straps tied securely with neat granny knots.
• When up on the roof I heard such a racket,
• I rushed to put on my bullet-proof jacket,
• Picked up my Uzi and sprang up the stairwell
• To sneak up on who had appeared there, but, Hell,
• It was only that Red commie fat elf again
• Who flies every year through the snowfall & rain
• With a Hefty bag full of prime black market loot
• Which he passes out freely to every galoot,
• To slackers and dopers and damned welfare drones,
• To fatties and sickies and old bags-of-bones.
• Distributes for nothing, no payment at all,
• The stuff that's supposed to be bought at the mall!
• It made me so blue I turned white and saw red,
• I just had to pump the old fool full of lead!
• It was my third strike felony rap,
• But I couldn't let him get away with that crap.
• But I didn't know what I was dealing with:
• It turns out, the fact is, you can't kill a myth.
• The bastard's immortal! He's back at his rounds,
• Doling out goodies in cities and towns.
• But I was convicted and sent up for life,
• And to top it all off, now he's balling my wife!

Little Miss Muffin

Little Miss Muffin
Never did nothin'
But sit on her tuffet and eat.
But one day Miss Muffin
Hopped off her duff an'
Ran off to dance in the street!

WickedLeaks

If you speak of the truth inconvenient
The authorities will not be lenient
     They will fear you
     They will smear you
They will do what they find expedient

HAIR

you can dye it or plait it
or comb it or braid it
you're allowed to be vain
for your bountiful mane
take the liberty, please
to let it blow in the breeze,
or if you would
put it up in a snood
whatever your choice,
rejoice!

Little Ms Muffet

Little Ms Muffet
Sat on her tuffet
Munching on kibble & bits
When along came a spider
That crept up inside her
And frightened her out of her wits.

Bread

Man does not live by bread alone
but he doesn't live long with none.

Rev. Robertson Explains the Haitian Calamity

"They got together and swore a pact to the Devil . . . 
. . . and the Devil said, 'Okay, it's a deal!' "
                                                          --Pat Robertson


Since they have made a bargain with the Devil,
Then as their city has been shaken level,
We do not need to feel compassion's pain.
They may be dismissed with smug disdain.


They brought upon themselves their sorry plight,
So we may watch them swallowed up by night
And feel no pang of conscience or identity
Since they consorted with the evil entity.


We may praise Our Lord in blithe felicity,
Remaining unaware of our duplicity;
As woe befalls that dark and sinful race,
We are protected by His saving Grace.


The Lord has chosen; He has chosen well:
For we are spared, and they can go to Hell!


1-19-2010

There was a young man

There was a young man in Benares
Who was heard to inquire of the fairies,
          "What's the mystery of Death?"
          And they spoke in one breath,
"It's always the same, though it varies.


You're born and you live and you cry,
You love and you laugh and you die."
          He found it perplexing
          And exceedingly vexing
That they never revealed to him why.


9-18-2010

The enemy

The enemy of my enemy is my friend
until our enemy is dead and then 
the bloody farce is played out yet again 
and on and on and never does it end


2-17-2010

Bubble

Since bursting the financial bubble
The country's had nothing but trouble.
          So Wall Street relapses
          And we pay the taxes,
And our children inherit the rubble.


9-21-2008

Jesus Loves Me

Jesus loves me, this I know,
'Cause the Bible tells me so.


For my sins I'm off the hook,
'Cause it say so in this Book.


Come the Rapture I will fly
To meet Jesus in the sky.


I believe it, yes siree,
Despite its bald absurdity.


If you don't agree with me
You'll be damned eternally.


9-21-2010

Jack and Jill

Jack took Jill around the hill
To get a little nookie.
When she put out, he gave a shout
And handed her a cookie.

Little Jack Horner

Little Jack Horner
Crouched in the corner,
Eating his sweetie pie.
He poked his thumb
Right up her bum.
And exclaimed, "Oh, how lucky am I!"

Little Miss Muffet

Little Miss Muffet
Sat on her tuffet,
Eating her cottage cheese.
Along came a spider
Who sat down beside her:
"May I have a bite of that, please?"

Tea Time

Hard-hearted Hannah and hard-headed Hank
Ripping up the carcasses in the shark tank,
Well-meaning peasants whipped into a rage,
Lured by lies of freedom right into a cage.
The pious tricked by cynics to cut their own throats,
Suckered into sinking their own boats.


9-23-2010

KIDS

(with a nod to Carl Sandburg)


     The kids come
     on little mud feet.
     They charge yelling
     through kitchen and parlor
     in breathless excitement
     and then move on.

shady

I can't shake the feeling
that something very shady
has been going on


I can't believe the story
that explains it all away
and leaves us hanging on

Entangled

Entangled in ten thousand things
With the joys and the sorrows that brings,
          I sit down to enter
          The still, empty center,
And that's when the telephone rings.


9-22-2010

Solomon

Solomon saw nothing
new under the sun
but moonlight
is full of surprises


1-12-2010